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Return to Dialogue Helps...
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Feelings - the
Language of Intimacy |
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A feeling is a spontaneous inner reaction to
a person, place, or situation that I experience or think about. |
Definition |
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Neither Right nor
Wrong... |
Feelings
are neither right nor wrong. They have no morality attached to them.
Morality only enters in when the feeling is acted upon. So, there
is no need to justify why we feel the way we do. |
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If you can substitute "I am"
for "I feel" you have expressed a feeling.
If you can substitute "I think" for "I
feel" you have expressed a thought or judgment. |
The "I think
vs. I feel" rule |
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Describing Feelings |
Selecting "the right word" to name
our feeling is not as important as describing our feeling in as many
ways as we can. Remember, the goal is for our spouse to reach
empathy with us in our feeling. |
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Name the feeling and describe
what the feeling is like.
You may want to use some of the following characteristics: |
Characterizing
Feelings |
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| Category |
Ways to Describe |
Example |
| Intensity |
rate feeling from 1 to 10 |
"My feeling is a 10." |
| Taste |
sweet, sour, bitter, etc. |
"My feeling would taste sour like a
lemon." |
| Touch |
scratchy, soft, prickly, smooth, etc. |
"My feeling is as soft as silk." |
| Color |
red, blue, gray, etc. |
"My anger is red hot." |
| Sound |
high pitched, screech, wail of a siren, crack of
thunder |
"It sounds like singing birds on a spring
morning." |
| Physical reaction |
sick, chilled, giggling, etc. |
"It was like an upset stomach." |
| Similar experience |
childbirth, riding a bike, etc. |
I was excited, like the time our child took her
first steps." |
| Nature scene |
beautiful sunset, crashing waves, still forest,
gentle breeze, etc. |
"My joyful feeling has all of the colors of a
sunset at sea." |
| An image |
hitting a home run |
I feel gleeful, like a kid who hit his first home
run." |
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Possible
Questions for Verbal Dialogue |
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These are suggested questions to help you
get started on dialogue and to make it richer and more meaningful. You
probably will not want to use more than a few of these during any given
dialogue. |
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 | Can you tell me more about your feeling? |
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| Have there been other times when you felt this way? |
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| Is this feeling like __? (Give an example of what you think the
feeling might be like.) |
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| Is it like the time when __? (Give a shared experience when you
think you both felt that way.) |
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| Are there any strong physical sensations you experience when you
feel this way? |
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| What does this feeling make you want to do? |
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| What color do you think of when you experience this feeling? |
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| On a scale of 1 (barely noticeable) to 10 (overpowering), how strong is your feeling? |
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| If your feeling was sitting on the table, what would it be doing? |
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| What taste best describes your feeling? |
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| Is there a picture, a song, a movie scene, or a nature scene that comes to your mind that
would describe your feeling? |
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